To The Manufacturer/Packagers of Women's Underwear,
Dear Sirs or Madams,
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am a recent purchaser of a 7 pair package of women's underwear from your esteemed company. I chose your underwear because it came in a pleasing array of cheerful and bright colors, –raspberries, lemon yellows, a tempting tangerine! – that reminded me of italian ice flavors one might purchase of a summer day. I thought long and hard about my purchase, standing there behind the red shopping trolley, whilst other shoppers parted around me like fish in a busy brook. Other packages of panties beckoned, promising the dull but reliable joys of beige underpants that don't show through sheer fabrics, basic black with a no-roll waistband. A 5 pack of flowered panties also seemed promising, but their flowers, bud-like and pastel, seemed juvenile. With a rush of thrilling abandon I gaily threw your 7 pair package into the cart with my cereal and sandwich baggies and made my purchases, my heart gently floating skyward like a child's wayward balloon. The promise of new and pretty panties beckoned even as Spring seemed to recede into an unreachable horizon.
When I got home I hurried to the sanctity of my boudoir to avail myself of your shrink wrapped glories. The raspberries, the tangerine, the sunny lemon yellow, all there, glowing with a promise to lift the chill hand of this eternal winter. But beneath them? Oh! Shame and ignominy! 2 pairs of insipid "zebra" print by way of a child's scrawling and 2 pairs of a muddy, muddled print one can only describe as duck hunter camo! Should I choose to stand nude, saving my panties, in front of a duck blind in Arkansas, surely I will blend in! One assumes I will now need to fashion the tangerine panties into a tiny jacket to alert the hunters to my presence. Or perhaps you did have my 37 year old, suburban mother of two self in mind, perhaps in case of HOME INVASION I am to strip to panties and stand motionless in front of my potted ficus in the living room! The intruders will be unaware of my stealthy, though chilly, presence.
The zebra print pants were clearly meant for when I go on safari, as I am wont to do! I am forever trekking off to the savannah and as I pack I think to myself, IF ONLY I HAD ZEBRA PANTIES! THEN MY DREAM OF BEING EATEN BY LIONS WHILST IN MY ALTOGETHERS COULD COME TRUE.
I have few material joys in life, underwear packagers and manufacturers, my "disposable" income going to things like dental appointments and field trip fees, but one of the few indulgences we allow ourselves, the parents, the overworked, the underpaid, is a pair of well-fitting and good looking underpants. Panties that allow us the illusion of a carefree and energetic existence. Do not hide your off-brand factory-second bargain basement panty patterns in with the cute ones! This is the not the kind of surprise that delights. This is upsetting and disconcerting like a surprise pregnancy, or a surprise audit.
No thank you, sirs and/or madams, no thank you!
Good day.
I said GOOD DAY!
Disgustedly,
Suzanne
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Little Celebrations
It's easy to go all out for the big holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, but what about all of those smaller holidays that lend life a little sparkle, a little fun? It's been a long cold winter, maybe make Valentine's day a little special?
The above is the breakfast table setting we made last year. My husband and I stayed up after the kids were in bed and at their place settings we placed the gifts their grandparents sent them, plus small boxes of chocolate from us. The garland on the light fixture was leftover from Christmas, I dug the doilies out of a cabinet, the place mats are just red round placemats we have. We served normal breakfast foods, but the decor made it fun. My Mom used to leave our valentines outside our door so we saw them first thing in the morning. As February 14th is also my Mom's birthday we celebrated all day long from breakfast chocolate, to a special treat in our lunch boxes, to a nice dinner at home we would all make together. Maybe that's where I got my love of celebrating all the holidays?
We did a similar thing for St. Patrick's day as well.
We made rainbows out of assorted fruit and we served it with MAGIC yogurt. To make a fun color changing yogurt, simply place a few drops of food coloring in the bottom of a bowl. Gently spoon some vanilla yogurt over the food coloring, when your child stirs the yogurt, it turns green, just like magic! The centerpiece was a package of store bought hot cross buns, the leprechauns used some doll house furniture in the middle of them and had their OWN breakfast and then they left a trail of rainbow colored sprinkles leading out the door!
The bunting on the light fixture is some rainbow colored flags leftover from a summer party. We also used some old "Hello, My Name Is" name tags to invent Leprechaun names for all of us. My own was Patty O'Furniture, I think my husband was Jack O'Lantern. We had a few scattered "Pot O' Gold" chocolate pieces on the table as well. Very fun.
The table settings just take a few minutes the night before, we use almost all things we already have in the house, just buying maybe a few paper plates or special napkins. What do you have planned for yourself or your family this year?
The above is the breakfast table setting we made last year. My husband and I stayed up after the kids were in bed and at their place settings we placed the gifts their grandparents sent them, plus small boxes of chocolate from us. The garland on the light fixture was leftover from Christmas, I dug the doilies out of a cabinet, the place mats are just red round placemats we have. We served normal breakfast foods, but the decor made it fun. My Mom used to leave our valentines outside our door so we saw them first thing in the morning. As February 14th is also my Mom's birthday we celebrated all day long from breakfast chocolate, to a special treat in our lunch boxes, to a nice dinner at home we would all make together. Maybe that's where I got my love of celebrating all the holidays?
We did a similar thing for St. Patrick's day as well.
We made rainbows out of assorted fruit and we served it with MAGIC yogurt. To make a fun color changing yogurt, simply place a few drops of food coloring in the bottom of a bowl. Gently spoon some vanilla yogurt over the food coloring, when your child stirs the yogurt, it turns green, just like magic! The centerpiece was a package of store bought hot cross buns, the leprechauns used some doll house furniture in the middle of them and had their OWN breakfast and then they left a trail of rainbow colored sprinkles leading out the door!
The bunting on the light fixture is some rainbow colored flags leftover from a summer party. We also used some old "Hello, My Name Is" name tags to invent Leprechaun names for all of us. My own was Patty O'Furniture, I think my husband was Jack O'Lantern. We had a few scattered "Pot O' Gold" chocolate pieces on the table as well. Very fun.
The table settings just take a few minutes the night before, we use almost all things we already have in the house, just buying maybe a few paper plates or special napkins. What do you have planned for yourself or your family this year?
Friday, February 7, 2014
A Synopsis of Musicals I Have Never Seen*
* Since conceiving this post I have now seen the musical Once. My synopsis stands.
Spring Awakening: written by that one guy, who's song you liked for a hot minute back in the 90's, this musical features people who all dress like Wednesday Addams and seems to be about teenage angst and possibly diphtheria.
Pippin: this, just based on songs I've heard, is about a circus who decided to stage something like Hamlet, possibly Macbeth. Everyone may be insane. There's an old lady who sings about being young who might be Gertrude or might run the circus/madhouse. Fun Fact: A guy on American Idol once picked the song "Corner of the Sky" at random to sing on Broadway Night. Additional Fun Fact: All the songs in this musical were picked at random.
The Boys from Syracuse: Confusingly, not about the Orangemen, or is it? Some sopranos sing about prostitution using a bird metaphor. May take place in ancient New York.
42nd Street: The original location of every song your Grandma knows and sings when you drive somewhere for lunch.
Anything Goes: Unless Grandma was a bigger fan of this musical.
The Boy From Oz: Wolverine is just fucking with us now. Or Hugh Jackman plays a gay man who was playing a straight man. Fan fiction for theatre queens.
Once: the musical to see if you'd really rather be at an open mic night. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into coffee house back ground music. You need to write a sad poem in your diary.
Candide: the musical written to placate every budding drag queen at your high school so they had an excuse to work the word gay into a conversation. If you loved that kid you will love this musical I think. Practice your High E's.
Chess: definitely about chess. And prostitution in Bangkok? God bless Murray Head. If you were a big fan of Mamma Mia you will be left wondering why they didn't do "Dancing Queen". Like you do at every musical.
Damn Yankees: baseball musical, may be loosely based on the Bad News Bears, features an escaped lunatic who sings in a "sexy" baby voice and terrifies a professional athlete with her stylized hip thrusts.
Follies: about a haunted theatre, populated by the saddest humans on Earth. Their only joy comes from acting out old plays and praying for the sweet release of death. Do not listen while in treatment for depression.
In the Heights: West Side Story with actual Latinos, different neighborhood, no Polish gang members. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into a Zumba class if you're white.
Mexican Hayride: Why it gotta be Mexican? Is this like the jumping beans? Racist?
Nine: An Italian film director faces a midlife crisis, despite being surrounded by money, fame and beautiful women. Terrifying. True fact, I have only heard 3 songs from this musical.
Promises, Promises: is this a jukebox musical? Seems like every other song is from Lite FM. About love. Possibly might be the musicalization of a sitcom from the 70's.
Rent: The 90's happened. Some of us were bisexual. It seemed like a good time to be in a band. "5 thousand, six hundred, something-something minutes", will get stuck in your head.
Spring Awakening: written by that one guy, who's song you liked for a hot minute back in the 90's, this musical features people who all dress like Wednesday Addams and seems to be about teenage angst and possibly diphtheria.
Pippin: this, just based on songs I've heard, is about a circus who decided to stage something like Hamlet, possibly Macbeth. Everyone may be insane. There's an old lady who sings about being young who might be Gertrude or might run the circus/madhouse. Fun Fact: A guy on American Idol once picked the song "Corner of the Sky" at random to sing on Broadway Night. Additional Fun Fact: All the songs in this musical were picked at random.
The Boys from Syracuse: Confusingly, not about the Orangemen, or is it? Some sopranos sing about prostitution using a bird metaphor. May take place in ancient New York.
42nd Street: The original location of every song your Grandma knows and sings when you drive somewhere for lunch.
Anything Goes: Unless Grandma was a bigger fan of this musical.
The Boy From Oz: Wolverine is just fucking with us now. Or Hugh Jackman plays a gay man who was playing a straight man. Fan fiction for theatre queens.
Once: the musical to see if you'd really rather be at an open mic night. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into coffee house back ground music. You need to write a sad poem in your diary.
Candide: the musical written to placate every budding drag queen at your high school so they had an excuse to work the word gay into a conversation. If you loved that kid you will love this musical I think. Practice your High E's.
Chess: definitely about chess. And prostitution in Bangkok? God bless Murray Head. If you were a big fan of Mamma Mia you will be left wondering why they didn't do "Dancing Queen". Like you do at every musical.
Damn Yankees: baseball musical, may be loosely based on the Bad News Bears, features an escaped lunatic who sings in a "sexy" baby voice and terrifies a professional athlete with her stylized hip thrusts.
Follies: about a haunted theatre, populated by the saddest humans on Earth. Their only joy comes from acting out old plays and praying for the sweet release of death. Do not listen while in treatment for depression.
In the Heights: West Side Story with actual Latinos, different neighborhood, no Polish gang members. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into a Zumba class if you're white.
Mexican Hayride: Why it gotta be Mexican? Is this like the jumping beans? Racist?
Nine: An Italian film director faces a midlife crisis, despite being surrounded by money, fame and beautiful women. Terrifying. True fact, I have only heard 3 songs from this musical.
Promises, Promises: is this a jukebox musical? Seems like every other song is from Lite FM. About love. Possibly might be the musicalization of a sitcom from the 70's.
Rent: The 90's happened. Some of us were bisexual. It seemed like a good time to be in a band. "5 thousand, six hundred, something-something minutes", will get stuck in your head.
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