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Thursday, February 26, 2015

Nailing It

I'm a nail biter. Always have been. Didn't suck my thumb, I bit my nails. I guess deep down I must be a worry-wart. Okay. Maybe right here on the surface I am a worry-wart. Anyhow the only way I have ever found to keep from biting my nails is to get regular manicures.

Manicures around here can run anywhere from $12 to $35 depending on where you get them. The basic service is the same, your nails are cut and shaped, your cuticles pushed back, a clear undercoat, nail polish in a color you choose and a top coat. You may or may not get a moisturizing hand massage depending on your preference.

I chose a $12 place last time because, let's face it, I'm broke. The place was clean and pretty but not fancy. The nail tech tried to immediately upsell me to the gel manicure. I don't like them. First of all they claim to last for 2 weeks without chipping. Well, mine didn't chip, but they peeled off in big sheets after a few days. I also don't like putting my hands under UV light. I haven't spent most of my life cloistered in libraries and living rooms to go around getting age spots and wrinkly hands NOW. And it looks like I'm not the only person who thinks it's a bad idea.
According to Dr. Chris Adigun, in a recent interview with Teen Vogue,
UV lamps are not regulated, so each one might affect you differently. "The strength of the bulb varies from one manufacturer to the next, which makes it very difficult to assess the risk level at different salons," she says. You might be telling yourself that the amount of exposure is so short and infrequent, but your visits to the manicurist add up.

I declined the gel manicure and settled in for the the regular manicure, making sure to remove my credit card before we began. Nothing worse than trying to dig out your charge card and chipping your fresh polish!

My manicurist wasn't very chatty, which I always find odd since you are basically sitting across a small table together holding hands, but to each her own. I sort of zoned out until I looked down in sudden pain because she had decided to cut my cuticles without asking me! Her cuticle trimmer was so dull it felt more like she was just ripping them off with a grapefruit spoon. So, moral of the story, when you sit down always state your cuticle preference. I never like to have mine cut!

The rest of the manicure went eh, okay.

It got me to thinking, maybe I need to just learn to do manicures at home? I mean, $12 isn't a ton of money, but my nails weren't shaped all that well, I was forcibly de-cuticled, she tried to bully me into a gel manicure and seemed put out when I refused. Maybe the nail tech at a $25 salon might be nicer, but that's a LOT of money to shell out. Plus I'm always concerned I'm going to get a horrific infection at nail places. I mean, it can happen to anyone, even Paula Abdul!

If there's one thing Pinterest loooooves to do, it's to tell you your nail game isn't even *on point* much less on fleek, bae.

(I'm not sure what any of that means.)

Pinterest also loves to give you nails for any occasion:

Disney Trip
Wedding Day
Graduation Day
Rainy Days
Mother's Day
First day on the job as an astrophysicist

My current nail color is Vixen Pump.
Vixen pumps are for when your vixen backs up and needs to be pumped out. And we all know this is especially dangerous in the winter with freezing temperatures.

Honestly, how do they come up with these names? My favorite shade of red is OPI's, "I'm not really a waitress." That's it. That's the name of the color.

Imagine that rainbow for a minute, "I'm Not Really A Waitress" "I just can't cope-acabana", "Call Me Gwen-Ever", "Thanks A Wind Million", "SwimSuit...Nailed It", "Wharf, Wharf, Wharf" and "Suzi and the 7 Dusseldorfs"

I can only imagine these color design meetings happen under the influence of a lot nail polish fumes and the marketing team is sitting on individual bean bags saying things like, "What if the color blue to me is totally different than the color blue TO YOU?" and then they order Taco Bell for lunch and we end up with a shade of cerise nail lacqer called "Bob Carp Rama Lama WHEE!"**

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