Playing Dress Up

There was a brief period of time in my life when I was a fairly confident in my sartorial choices. I apparently asked my Mother when I was about two years old to please shorten all of my dresses so that the ruffles on my panties would show. I was all about the statement piece then.

Somewhere along the way though I lost my fashion mojo. I blame growing up in the 80's. How were you supposed to trust your aesthetic instincts when all around you stylish people were intentionally wearing parachute pants and acid washed jeans? Also my hair, curly and untamable, would not ever form those perfect tidal wave bangs. At this rate I was fairly confident that I was never going to grow up and dance on a Corvette in a Whitesnake video, so I devoted myself to more bookish and refined pursuits.

There was a period in the late 90's where my flannel-wrapped irony-drenched retro chic was in vogue in a sort of Daria meets Janeane Garofalo way, minus the black rimmed spectacles. And then I got married and had children. My fashion choices became, as they invariably do, about choosing something that doesn't show spit up. So after 12 years of child rearing and a career spent mostly in Early Childhood Education I find myself in my middlest 30's with no real fashion sense of my own.

I work for an artistic non-profit now that my kids are school aged and people there wear everything from those multi-layered artsy professional get ups to jeans and t-shirts. Mostly I wear jeans and the nicest blouse I can find in the clean laundry pile. It's a system that keeps me decent and clothed but not really stylish.

Search for #OOTD or Outfit of the Day or Stylish, casual, dressy or whatever descriptor you like in Pinterest and you will find thousands of head to toe examples of outfits. Some of them are laughably curated looks, like, no one on earth has ever held their purse this way. Or there's a thin line between hipster and homeless. But some of them seem, um, attainable? Like something I could wear and look like I gave a shit, but not like a give a shit about whether or not YOU think I gave a shit.

Take a moment. Think it through again, carry the one... you're with me? Good.

May I present... One of These Things is Not like the others.

The funny thing is, I think I got some of the details right, like apparently hair buns now are worn so high and tight you can go straight from brunch to auditioning to play Tuptim in the King and I. The jewelry is matchy, but not a set. My eyeliner game was ON POINT today y'all.

Sad eyed clown realness.

The bigger picture was sort of escaping me though. Like when saw the sandals in my closet I was all cute shoes! And then as I got out of the car they literally fell apart on me, like the front of the sole was flapping off the toe section. As I walked I made a jaunty little shuffle tap sound, but had to live in fear that the shoe would completely disintegrate, potentially in front of my boss. Apparently this outfit also required another shirt. Purusing Pinterest I see now that no one wears a single shirt anymore, unless you have an ironic cat sweat shirt, but even then you might wear a twee blouse with a starched collar under it. I am also currently sans sunglasses, which considering many of the looks I see with them, either sunglasses are instantly cool or half of the world's internet models suffer from the debilitating effects of glaucoma.

Today even my halting efforts to look polished were noticed and appreciated by the costume designer and project manager at work. She's a textiles artist by trade and she offered to help me come "shop my closet" and put together presentable outfits!!!! OMG. I think maybe my broken sandal was a Cinderella slipper! So, I'm going to take her up on it and I am going to blog the crap out of it, for you, for me, for AMERICA mofos.

Y'all are gonna be all



and I'm gonna be all,


Until inevitably I'm all,

The Eyes Have It

So the elusive and ever popular smokey eye make up technique. There are literally a squintillion versions of this thing on Pinterest. I ended up using a 4 step version from WikiHow that popped up when I narrowed my search down to Smokey Eyes for Brown Eyes. I liked this one because instead of just pictures it had videos.

Now the surprising thing I noticed about 90% of these eye make up tutorials was that they always included instructions for you to do the FULL slap and paint. I'm talking concealer, foundation and setting powder before you even ATTEMPTED to do a smokey eye. And not wanting to get into trouble with the Kardashian division of the Fashion Police I followed protocol.

I feel prettier already.

You know how there's that idea that a girl goes out with "her gays" and gets a makeover and stuff? My friends Shirley and Sarah want me to warn you that your decidedly non-lipstick lesbian friends are perhaps not the best choice for this assignment. However they were wonderfully supportive and held the camera for me so I could bring you this stunning footage of an actual live embalming.




At this point I am wearing more make up on my face than I have worn in the previous 12 months cumulative. And I haven't even started on the EYE MAKE UP yet. In fact I am pretty sure if I go into the kitchen, press my face into a paper towel and pull it away I will have a miraculous Shroud of Turin style image there.But I press on, hoping that a smokey eye awaits me at the end of this journey.

All of the tutorials say you should put the "highlighter" shade or lightest of the three colors onto your brow bone, in the tear duct corner of your eye, this tutorial also says you should just go ahead and put the highlighter ALL over your lid.

I hate putting things near my eyeball, eeesh.

Then you add a medium shade to the lid, which seemingly obliterates most of the highlighting you JUST painstakingly applied? Okay. Then you add the darkest color in a backwards C shape from the crease to near the lash line. Uh-huh.

At this point I am just hoping I don't end up looking like star of Guardians of the Galaxy, Rocket Raccoon, but I'll take "pretty girl who lost a fight" and declare it a win.

Then you add mascara and eye liner. I'm trying to remember the last time I wore eyeliner and mascara at the same time and decided it must have been before I had kids, because at this point even LOCATING that much make up is pretty much a non-starter. I basically have to buy mascara every time I wear it now because I use it once and it joins up with all the lost socks and my car keys to head out and start a new life for themselves.

I am going all the way with this eyeliner though, I'm going to do little wings or cat eyes on the ends, because how else would you make yourself up for an epic game of Catan at your friends' house? I mean, Diva Fantastica or go home at this point, right?

How come the damn things are winging it on the inside corner or my lashes? $#*&^@#!%*%!!!!!! The girls come to my rescue with q-tips and sympathy.

I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille.

So I add the damn mascara which is so old it may have been used by Cleopatra and I'm done, right? Yeah, no, if you have this much make up and you don't do your lips you look like a half painted mannequin head. This is turning into "If You Give A Mouse Some Bronzer" at this point. So, pucker up those lips baby, we're doing lip liner!

90's realness, bitches.

Now filled in lips, now a bit of blush, AM I PRETTY NOW?! AM I?! *sobs*



So am I a "Covergirl! Put that bass in your walk!" or am I "Easy, Breezy Bruise-a-full"?



My verdict, smokey eye tutorials are a WIN! My eyes look pretty good actually. I mean, it's clearly something I can practice and get better at, but it's not impossible to get good results on your first try. However, will I be using base, concealer, powder etc. etc? No, probably not anything more than a tinted moisturizer and I will use three very similar shades to make for a less dramatic smokey eye. I can see doing something like this for a Christmas party or going out to dinner, sure. I'd do it more often maybe except you all know what awaits you at the end of the night, right?



Anyone want to read my WikiHow on "Removing Make Up in 18 Simple Steps"?

The Year Ahead

I am hanging with some good friends this year for New Year's Day. We are eating tons of food, watching football and generally having an awesome lazy day. No lie, no irony, I am so blessed. So I am going to try and hang onto this feeling and look forward with a positive attitude into the new year.

Perusing the New Year pins on Pinterest this morning I ran across a craft idea that I think will mesh well with my resolution to stay positive; a make-your-own time capsule to be opened one year from today.

2014 hasn't been perfect. I have had challenges and change and growth and all of those things that even when they are necessary are hard and uncomfortable and I've decided, really who needs it? Right? I mean, aren't we all Practically Perfect in Every Way? Let 2015 be a year where absolutely nothing interesting happens and I get to stay in a cozy cocoon of my own making.

But since I know that cannot happen no matter how much I wish, I am hoping 2015 let's me move ahead with perspective, good humor and the love of friends and family to sustain me. I hope I am more kind and more forgiving and more open to adventure and that I definitely eat more cookies in the New Year. That's the one resolution I can be certain I will do.

1. Eat More Cookies

A year from now I have HOPES for where I will be, I have plans to make things happen, but I also have the experience to know it isn't always a straight path from A to B.

I hope we all have the opportunity to try one more time to be that best, most loving, most authentic self, or at least to eat more cookies and share them with some friends.

Infinite Loop

Unless you have been living under a rock of remarkable size and heaviness you have seen an infinity scarf in the last 5 years. The infinity scarf is distinct from it's non-infinite brethren by having it's two ends sewn together to make a loop or circle of fabric or fibers. Its proponents claim that by being a loop the infinity scarf is a more versatile garment, it's detractors probably say something like, why can't I just tie the ends of my regular scarf together and have the best of both worlds? Then the infinity scarf people probably strangled them with their infinity scarf and screamed, "Laugh it up now, laughing boy! LAUGH. IT. UP."

These infinity scarf people are intense is what I'm telling you guys. Really.

So with some trepidation I too embarked on the treacherous waters of infinity scarf wearing.

Y'all.

Even the 7 year old had her doubts.

But I decided to give it at least a try because infinity scarves look so cute on most people! Plus I live in Florida where I don't get to participate in many cold weather fashion trends. Y'all with your tall boots and cute coats and WINTER HATS! And here I am stuck in flip flops and summer dresses most of the year, in the heat and the sun and the...

Where are you guys going? Come back here! Minnesota, I see you! TURN AROUND RIGHT NOW AND COME BACK!

So, these infinity scarves, as I was saying, are apparently a seasonless trend. I see them paired with heavy jackets and spaghetti strap tank tops, so I know IN THEORY this is one I could do.

And at the beginning of the day I felt like yeah, this is totally me.

But by the end of the day I started to feel like I was being very slowly and softly strangled to death. Pinterest to the rescue, surely someone has come up with a way to wear these things that isn't going to give me knitted asphyxia.

I dutifully searched to see the most common ways to wear the scarf. Lord a mighty, I think some people are clearly frustrated Eagle Scouts looking to belatedly score a knot tying badge.

"14 Ways to Wear an Infinity Scarf" they proclaim with illustrated guides. So last night at a friend's house I tried them all. Plus a few more we made up just for kicks and because I'd had a glass of wine or two.

A simple double twist double loop. Looks great from the front, gives me shelf boob from the side. I turned around and I was like, "HOLY CRAP there's been a scarf-tastrophe on Tits Mountain."

I tried the scarf and hood combo. I call this one Christiane Amanpour reporting live from Tehran.

I tried the simple wrap skirt. I was not impressed.

Nothing like wearing something that is both unflattering AND potentially going to disgrace you by coming off.

Then there was the tube top idea. I'm calling it Spring Break in Daytona Beach.

My friend's child was embarrassed for both of us.

Please keep in mind these are legitimate suggestions for how to wear these scarves! I decided to take matters into my own pinot fueled hands.

I present, "Miss Pinterest 2015: I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Cry"

TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL (with Mason jars)

The Fashion Forward Baby Sling

Never Work with Dogs or Children Dolman Sleeves

But no matter how I twisted and turned it I realized, you can't really rock this thing if you're a girl with a nice pair of melons.

Happy 2015 y'all!!!!

Hipsters Man.

So the humble mason jar has become ubiquitous of late and as usual I blame the hipsters. I once saw some hipsters in their native environment (Brooklyn) and they put on their ragged flannel shirts and top hats, rode their fixie bike (shaped like a handlebar mustache) to a pop-up organic brewery where they serve everything in you guessed it, a mason jar.

BUT do not let its hipster hype dissuade you from using a cool and multipurpose item like a mason jar. My mother variously deployed them for use as vases, drinking vessels, desktop organization, to hold pantry staples, as a salad dressing cruet and for actual, you know CANNING long before Pinterest existed to document our lives in dreamy, pastel soft-focus. We always had them around in various sizes for various things as long as I can remember but I don't remember ever using them for salads. If certain corners of the internet are to be believed a mason jar's (or Ball jar, or canning jar or whatever you call them) highest purpose is to provide a sog-free salad for your afternoon repast.

There are literally dozens and dozens of salad jar recipes out there and as in everything else that exists in the wilds of cyberspace there there are passionate devotees and just as passionate detractors.

A Random Dude:
what is gained from putting salad into a mason jar instead of tupperware. hipsters...


Other Lady:
I'm far from a hipster. They are so much easier to layer - the ingredients are protected and the dressing doesn't get all over the lettuce (which is what makes the lettuce soggy). Most tupperware type containers are wide - no way to keep a salad for a week, which is what these jars do. No lie, I made a week's worth of salads and the last one is just as good as the first.


There's One on Every Article:
Mason jars used to be for canning moonshine when I was kid, now its some sort of healthy eating communist-pinko socialist agenduh, tjanks OBAMA!!11!!

My own feeling on mason jars is this, only use one when it is the right tool for the job. Don't buy a double walled insulted plastic "mason jar" with a handle on it. They make stuff like that already, it's called a travel mug. There's no reason to cutesy it up. I feel the same way about hipsters, actually. When I was broke kid wearing clothes with holes in them, it was because I was legitimately too poor to buy new pants. I wasn't being fashionable. Commodifying and making a consumerist fashion statement out of the trappings of poverty and frugality kinda righteously pisses me off. My Mom used to pick prickly cactus pads out of the woods behind our house and pickle and can them, not because it was some sort of fun hobby, (though I think she DID enjoy it) but because we were pretty poor. The time she made us pine needle baskets for Easter was because we were broke and she used what she had on hand to make us something special. So use your mason jars, but remember that they are a tool used world-wide by people who are frugally preserving their food to last for leaner times ahead. Their value lies in their utility and function and of course like most functional items they are truly beautiful.

/End Rant

So how did my consumerist trendy salad come out? Pretty typically for me, I was unable to find the component parts to my Mason jar. I found the jar and the ring okay, but I hunted high and low for the lid and it was nowhere to be found. So what's a blogger who promised a mason jar salad to do? I used my Ball Brand freezer "canning" jar instead. This is not the layered glass masterpieces of Pinterest, but it has the same functionality of a standard canning jar in it's shape. It is easily portable and because it is a nearly uniform tube from top to bottom it keeps the ingredients well separated for maximum salad crispiness. In fact the slight bell at the top gave me more room for greens while it helped keep my dressing on the bottom. I need to work on the proportions though, I used too many baby carrots and it didn't leave enough room for greens.

My salad, decanted onto a plastic plate from the upstairs kitchen, would never win a beauty pageant, but the greens were crunchy, the mixture of candied walnuts (recipe below), shredded cheddar and raisins gave sweetness, creaminess, crunch and protein to my meal and the ginger dressing from Makotos (if you are from Melbourne there can be only one) gave a tangy snap to the whole thing.

Decision? Mason jar salads are a keeper!

Tomorrow's Pinteresting life challenge, to (wear) an infinity scarf! AND BEYOND!

Candied Walnuts on the Stove Top

Pour some (1/4 cup?) sugar into a saute pan, heat over medium heat, when sugar starts to caramelize remove from heat and throw in a handful of walnut halves or pieces, stirring quickly to coat. If sugar hardens too much, put back on the stove to soften briefly. You can also add a pinch (a literal pinch!) of cayenne pepper to get some hot/sweet walnuts. You could also use pecans in this recipe.

Hair Raising Adventures

So perhaps real live grown ups don't watch re-runs of Cutthroat Kitchen until 1 a.m. on nights when they have to be both up for work and documenting their coiffure the next day. I did one grown up thing and set my alarm before I went to sleep. I did a really not grown up thing by hitting snooze a few times before turning it off entirely and making bargains with myself to get more sleep.

I will ONLY wash and condition my hair in the shower, no leg shaving or anything else. I can sleep for 10 more minutes.

I will skip breakfast and only drink coffee as I drive to work, I can sleep 10 more minutes.

I know basically where all of my clothes are I don't have to hunt them down, I can sleep 10 more... and then I was like, "NO BITCH! Get your LAZY ASS up and GO DO YOUR DAMN HAIR!"

I can be really mean to myself! I would never talk that way to someone else... unless they crossed me.

Anyhow I scurried into the bathroom and did the usual curly haired girl shower. If you are not a curly haired girl or a curly haired person with LONG curly hair, then you probably do not know about our strange shower rituals.

I will probably be cashiered from the Curly Crew for revealing any of this, but here it goes.

Step 1. Turn on shower and then go ahead and get in. Why wait for it to get warm? You're gonna be in there for 45 minutes so you might as well start how you will inevitably end. Freezing.

Step 2. Get hair very, very wet. (Oh, you think that's obvious huh? Everybody does that? Have you ever stood under a full force shower head for 5 minutes and then realize parts of your hair and/or scalp are STILL not wet? No? I didn't think so.) So move that hair around, get it all sopping wet, pay special attention to your scalp.

Step 3. Hunt frantically for some conditioner. Oh no! You're not out of conditioner are you? You may as well call out sick to work now because conditioner is basically all that stands between you and the whirling edge of madness.

Step 4. Fill the 7 or 8 mostly empty conditioner bottles with water, swirling their contents around and dumping them on your waiting, matted hair and thank Providence that you never EVER throw those things out.

Step 5. Find a 3/4 empty tube of Intensely Wet Slick 'Em Slide "Em Hydrating Hair Goo ™ behind your 12 completely full bottles of shampoo. Cry a little in relief.

Step 6. Empty the entire tube into your hand and then use your hands like rakes to comb through the dense underbrush of your scalp sweater.

Step 7. Pull wads of hair out by its very roots. Feel nothing.

Step 8. When your hands are so full of hair that it looks like you have become Bigfoot's personal masseuse scrape the hair off and try and fling the resulting hairball/small cat onto a shower shelf.

Step 9. Repeat.

When do you shampoo your hair? Honestly, never. Or maybe once in awhile if something truly bad has happened, like "had 6 rum and cokes at the office party and accidentally vomited into it" bad. Shampoo is just there to make other people who use your shower feel welcome. "Hello straight haired person, please use some of the complimentary scalp sudser. (DO NOT touch my nearly empty bottles of conditioner)" This practice known as "co-washing" or conditioner washing is a secret of curly haired women world wide.

When I had sufficiently de-matted myself I jumped out of the shower and began the next phase of any hairstyle for a curly haired woman; the ritual application of product.

First we begin by wringing the wet hair out in a towel. After going once over your hair the towel has become completely sodden and will not dry for two days. Hang it up and thank it for its service. Then you mix two to three different products into your hand. Today I used a discontinued hair cream from Garnier Fructis that I bought in bulk 6 years ago when it was being discontinued. I hoard this stuff like precious gold because there will be no more once it is gone. To it I added a shine serum Biosilk Silk Therapy Oil, no really, that's what it's called. I rubbed them between my palms to mix them and then pulled it through my hair using the rake and shake method, whereby one takes sections of hair, rakes your fingers through and then grabs hold at the bottom of the hair and "shakes" it into place. A Ouidad certified hair dresser taught me this. At the top of a mountain in Nepal. Surrounded by beautiful curly haired sheep. But I digress. Here I'd already been working on my hair for 15 minutes and I was still stark naked, much less ready to spin and pin my hair.

This is why I am maybe not a grown up yet. By this point in my real life a child would have kicked the door in commando style and demanded my attention, but THIS week my kids are visiting my Mom, so what better time to try a hair care routine?

Once my hair was well covered in product I wrapped it up in a fresh dry towel and got some damn clothes on. I was pretty cold at this point.

Once dressed I commandeered a couple of dozen bobby pins from my kids' hair accessories stash and began twirling my hair around and pinning it as best I could to the back of my head. Here's the thing though, I can't really see the back of my head, so try as I might, twisting and turning to catch a glimpse of my work in my mirrored closet door I could not both PIN and see, so I decided to just wing it.

How did it turn out. Well, we all remember my Pinspiration from yesterday, right? Sort of a lady-like, soft coiled romantic low chignon. Mine was more... um...

Less curly romantic and more Star Trek Special Guest Star

See what I mean? Instead of spiral curls looping back on themselves in springy ecstasy I had bulbous hair snakes curled up and hissing at each other. Or I was like a rejected hair test for Majel Barret.

Some more charitable people at work said it looked like rosebuds on the back of my head, but I think they were worried about angering my scalp snakes.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another Pinteresting day. My challenge for Tuesday? Mason Jar Salads, man!

Photo courtesy of ProduceWithAmy!

Better Living Through Pinterest

So, as many of you know, I am a complete mess. My areas of competence are staggeringly limited to baking, improvising costumes, and writing on a deadline. Most days I struggle with simple things that most people would consider pretty average and every day, like keeping my bedroom clean, remembering to return library books, and doing my own hair.

I have decided that perhaps I should attack my issues using the same methods I have used for all my previous challenges, step 1. Tell myself with confidence, "Way stupider people than you have figured this out!" and step 2. Research.

Which brings me to Pinterest. Pinterest is my happy place right now. A place that promises better hair and bright and shiny laundry rooms, a place for extra cheesey lasagna and a flatter stomach in 15 minutes.

So play along at home, do you hate Pinterest? Love it? Love to hate it? Use it for research? As an aspirational guide? A place to pin some of your favorite people?

Tomorrow's Project Pin: An Easy Curly Hair Undo

Because here is how my hair looks on a normal day, a bun with some fuzzy frizzy hairs around my face. I look like I am always coming from the gym, when in reality, I haven't been to the gym since 1998.



So tomorrow, I wake up and I coif the hair, like a grown up. I'm going to use products and pins and see what happens.