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Friday, February 7, 2014

A Synopsis of Musicals I Have Never Seen*

* Since conceiving this post I have now seen the musical Once. My synopsis stands.

Spring Awakening: written by that one guy, who's song you liked for a hot minute back in the 90's, this musical features people who all dress like Wednesday Addams and seems to be about teenage angst and possibly diphtheria.

Pippin: this, just based on songs I've heard, is about a circus who decided to stage something like Hamlet, possibly Macbeth. Everyone may be insane. There's an old lady who sings about being young who might be Gertrude or might run the circus/madhouse. Fun Fact: A guy on American Idol once picked the song "Corner of the Sky" at random to sing on Broadway Night. Additional Fun Fact: All the songs in this musical were picked at random.

The Boys from Syracuse: Confusingly, not about the Orangemen, or is it? Some sopranos sing about prostitution using a bird metaphor. May take place in ancient New York.

42nd Street: The original location of every song your Grandma knows and sings when you drive somewhere for lunch.

Anything Goes: Unless Grandma was a bigger fan of this musical.

The Boy From Oz: Wolverine is just fucking with us now. Or Hugh Jackman plays a gay man who was playing a straight man. Fan fiction for theatre queens.

Once: the musical to see if you'd really rather be at an open mic night. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into coffee house back ground music. You need to write a sad poem in your diary.

Candide: the musical written to placate every budding drag queen at your high school so they had an excuse to work the word gay into a conversation. If you loved that kid you will love this musical I think. Practice your High E's.

Chess: definitely about chess. And prostitution in Bangkok? God bless Murray Head. If you were a big fan of Mamma Mia you will be left wondering why they didn't do "Dancing Queen". Like you do at every musical.

Damn Yankees: baseball musical, may be loosely based on the Bad News Bears, features an escaped lunatic who sings in a "sexy" baby voice and terrifies a professional athlete with her stylized hip thrusts.

Follies: about a haunted theatre, populated by the saddest humans on Earth. Their only joy comes from acting out old plays and praying for the sweet release of death. Do not listen while in treatment for depression.

In the Heights: West Side Story with actual Latinos, different neighborhood, no Polish gang members. Soundtrack fits seamlessly into a Zumba class if you're white.

Mexican Hayride: Why it gotta be Mexican? Is this like the jumping beans? Racist?

Nine: An Italian film director faces a midlife crisis, despite being surrounded by money, fame and beautiful women. Terrifying. True fact, I have only heard 3 songs from this musical.

Promises, Promises: is this a jukebox musical? Seems like every other song is from Lite FM. About love. Possibly might be the musicalization of a sitcom from the 70's.

Rent: The 90's happened. Some of us were bisexual. It seemed like a good time to be in a band. "5 thousand, six hundred, something-something minutes", will get stuck in your head.


  1. Stop. You haven't see Rent? I can't remember how many times I have. Love it. Will never stop loving it. Sigh. Now I need to see it again.

    1. I was not a big musicals person growing up. I blame the lack of selection at Phar-Mor. I watched Man of La Mancha, My Fair Lady and Singing in the Rain over and over again, but not much else musical.